November 23, 2006
Thanksgiving
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I always do, of course, but sometimes it takes bad things to appreciate the good. Okay, it always takes bad things.
If you want to know how I felt yesterday when I was done with my last class before break, picture this: Me. Standing on a hill in the mists, in full blue Mel-Gibson-As-William-Wallace Facepaint, bellowing: FREEDOM!
Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much. I'm done with tutoring for the semester, I only have one week of teaching left, most of my work is done. I may actually be able to return to the land of people. So, without much ado: my list of things to be thankful for:
My friends. I have many more people who care about me, and who I care about, than I ever expected to have. They are amazing, wonderful, loving people, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Though in some ways, I have done this semester. I've been absent from them in a lot of ways, and it's made me appreciate them more. I love all of you.
My family. They're amazing. Yes, they're stubborn and stuck in their ways - but so am I. And they are unfailingly supportive when I have my little episodes of world-ending terror. I'm sorry I can't be with them this year.
My job. Yes, often it sucks donkey-balls. Hairy ones. But sometimes it's really fun, and sometimes it's rewarding. I have a feeling that if I keep at it, it will get more rewarding. I don't know if I'll ever get used to giving grades, though.
My home. I have an fantastic, cheap, lovely apartment with a kitchen that's big enough to support my cuilnary adventures. That's pretty unusual. And I really do love it here.
Baton Rouge. It smells like broccoli. But it's beautiful, really, and it's homey.
Turkey. 'Nuff said.
Creativity. You never really appreciate it until it's sucked out by busyness/unpleasant projects.
Christmas Break. It's Almost Here!
November 15, 2006
making a difference
This link is...well, on the surface it's funny. Really, though, I like the idea behind it.
And hey, it can't hurt, right?
http://www.globalorgasm.org/
non sequitur
So when I walked out to the bus stop this morning, in the rain, I realized there was some stuff on the ground.
It was fish.
Like...perch. I'd say about six or seven of them, some of them smashed, all of them dead. There were no other fish around. Let me clarify this: Whole. Dead. Fish. On the side of the street.
WTF?
please shoot me
I've been told that the semester you take this class that I'm taking is, inevitably, your worst semester here. I've reached the point where I'm praying this is true. Because I don't know if I can handle another one like it.
I hate two of my classes.
Not hate as in 'oh, this class is boring' or 'I can't believe I have to write a paper on this', but hate as in gut-clenching, skin-crawling physical reaction to thinking about it hate. One of them I hate for interpersonal reasons. The other one I hate because of the curriculum.
The fact that I hate makes it that much harder to tackle every assignment. So I'm behind. Which makes me hate them more. On top of that, I can't seem to focus - and I can't take my ADD medication because I'm under too much stress and it would push me over into a full-blown panic reaction.
Logically, I know everything will be fine. Logically, I know none of this really matters. My body has, once again, trumped logic with too much cortisol. Fuck you, body. This is a huge part of why I joined the gym, actually. And I think it's helping. Yesterday I went and lifted weights and did cardio, and it was nice. Super nice. I was actually okay for that short period of the day.
Tonight, if we get out of "class" on time, I'll hopefully be able to attend the spinning class, and maybe that will take some of the rage out.
Oh God I'm so behind.
::dies a little inside::
November 09, 2006
my roommate said I was getting predictable
so I joined the gym five minutes from my house.
It just opened, and everything is all gleaming and lovely. Lisa maintains that she goes to the gym because she's paying, and knows if she doesn't she's wasted her money. I decided to try it out as my Christmas present to myself - they have a bunch of classes that are included in the price, you can just drop by and take them whenever you feel like it. I'm particularly interested in the spinning class (they have the television play different scenery every day) and the ab blaster. And once I've built up a little, um, aerobic health, I want to try the kickboxing. Though I'll probably fall over.
November 07, 2006
November
I feel sick to my stomach from nerves, and I'm not sure exactly why.
November 05, 2006
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I've reached the time of year that, in northern climes, heralds a complete loss of sanity on my part, a general breakdown and the unavoidable conclusion that I suck and will end up a crazy homeless lady with no teeth.
Because I am in Baton Rouge instead of Kirksville, I instead end up with only slight-worse-than-usual anxiety, and wavering betweent thinking everything is fine, and the conclusion that I am a sham who has no right to be here.
Which is an improvement, overall, but still leaves me feeling mildly paranoid and icky.
I hate two of my three classes. One because it's just that class everyone hates. The other for interpersonal reasons I can't really do anything about, and am trying to work with as best I can. Still, hating two of the three (as well as the person I'm working with at K now) is not helping my general mood.
Next semester I'm going to have a pretty damn good class lineup, even if the schedule sucks a bit. I'm going to be taking an Arthurian texts class that covers stuff from the early legends to Monty Python. So far, all the people I know who've signed up are great, too. I'm really looking forward to that.
I want a cat. I know, I know, I always want a cat. Mostly I want someone to cuddle up to and tell all the horrible stuff I don't want to tell human people, and someone that will be happy when I get home. I want to be able to pick up a ball of fluff and snuggle it up to my face - ignoring the itch and the beginning sneezes - and hear it purr.
I also want to write. I have not had time this semester, so far, to write a single thing that wasn't for class. This is insane. Seriously insane. I want to try and fix it with NaNoWriMo, but God only knows if that'll work.
I'm not going home for Thanksgiving. It'll be the first time ever, in my whole life, when I don't go to the family Thanksgiving. I'm going to have one here, with a few people who are also stuck - it'll be fun. And possibly sad, too.
This time of year usually leads me to wonder things about myself. And I have to remind myself: It's after Halloween, and every thought you have is suspect. So I'm probably not all the things I think I am - or, more likely, I'm not all those things I think I am to the extent that I think them, right now. So yeah, I'm not really in love with myself right now. I don't know how people distract themselves from problems by becoming workaholics, the more work I have to do the clearer my shortcomings seem to be.
Ugh.
November 01, 2006
A list
From Rachel and Kathy,
Write fifteen statements
Intended for different people.
Not all to friends.
Never tell which one is to whom
1) I have trouble looking at you, I hate you so much. Next time I see you, I'm going to smile.
2) I miss you in entirely unexpected ways.
3) Sometimes you make me want to club you in an attempt to get you to see what you're doing to yourself.
4) I spent far too much time wondering if I've pissed you off. Why do I care?
5) Every time I see you I feel inferior.
6) The thought of losing us somehow scares me so much I actually feel sick to my stomach.
7) I still don't feel sorry for you.
8) You make me feel like a silly fangirl. But in a good way.
9) I love you. I don't say it enough, and I'm sorry.
10) I'm incapable of being embarrassed when I talk to you, and I have no idea why.
11) I wish I could do more for you.
12) Your writing is just not very good.
13) I wish you'd visit.
14) Your blog makes you look so normal, but I know you're not. And my being able to say this means I'm not either.
15) You nearly always make my day a bit better.