June 28, 2004
rambling on
Today I spent one hour and forty five minutes sitting on a wooden bench in a messy waiting room. The air was redolent with stale cigarettes, and the whole place was dingy and dark and messy. I waited there while a smallish man in big overalls attatched a trailer hitch to our van. We need this, because we now own a sailboat with a trailer. Or we will own it as soon as my parents can pick it up. I am not terribly interested in sailing, but it makes my mother happy, and she deserves that.
Last night I dreamt of Angel. He was thinner than on television - pinched and angry, with dirty draggled hair. I think there were leaves in it. In a sharp departure from the plot of the show, Cordelia was pregnant with Angel's child. And I was Cordelia. I remember crouching in the corner of the closet - knowing that he would kill the baby I carried, and knowing that I had to protect it from him. But somehow, it was still his baby, and not mine at all. Wesley was there, and he understood, because in the show he had been the one to make that terrible decision. He was very gentle.
This is what I get for reading bunches of Angel fic before I go to bed. But at least I stopped with the recurring theme of the past few nights - I was tired of eating things, and then realizing that I'd ingested something that would harm me. A knot of hairbands - poison - it was all very tiring. And I can't figure out what it means, so if anyone has any dream-symbolism knowledge, please share.
My parents drove my brother to camp yesterday, and so I had to endure my mother's talk of what if they all died, and at least I'd be rich. Which put me in a melancholy mood, because I couldn't help but think of it after that, and how awful it would be.
Sorry for the length of this meandering entry. I just...got started. I feel sort of enh, at the moment. I think I might be catching something through the umbillical cord. Dammit.
I wrote a couple of pages today, while I sat on the hard bench and balanced my notebook on a knee. I'm happy about that.
June 25, 2004
mmmmmmmmm
I had chocolate gelato tonight. CHOCOLATE GELATO, PEOPLE!
That is all.
June 21, 2004
::giggle::
You know, sometimes I get down for no reason. Or for lots of little reasons. Sometimes 'cause I spent several hours throwing things I'm pretty attatched to away. But then there are moments that make it all worth it. Moments where I'm reminded that the world is a silly, silly place, and I should enjoy it. Moments like when I read this description under a link to a site:
"Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarb?and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site."
God, life is beautiful, isn't it?
June 15, 2004
something weird
So lately, I've been finding these tiny glass balls. They're a produce of cleaning my room, I suppose. I found a whole bunch of them in one of my pockets, though I could not for the life of me remember how they got there. And yesterday, I moved a box I was filling with stuff to give away, and boom! More tiny little glass balls underneath it.
Now, this is really weird. They're not beads - there are no holes to put the thread through. So I'm left with several possibilities:
- I at some point bought a bunch of little glass balls and completely forgot.
- They were inside of something else I got, which has since exploded. In
my pocket.
- They are the attempt of some alien species to make first contact with me,
in which case, so not working.
- My room is filled with tiny little faeries who like glass balls.
But it all remains a mystery. Where will they appear next?
June 06, 2004
cleaning up
It's funny what you find when you clean your room. I found two cards from her, and I opened one of them. It said: I'm so blessed to have you as a friend, and a part of me remembered when that was true. When things really were nice, when she really was my friend. But I don't know, now, if I'm just imagining that. If I'm just putting that old nostalgic spin on things.
She's going to live somewhere far far away, from what I've heard. And there is a part of me that isn't entirely happy. I still have things I want to say to her. Mean, hurtful things, that don't make me very proud of myself. I have to wonder how long I will want to say them. If I run into her ten years from now, will they all come bubbling out?
I threw away the cards, and I was okay with that. Even though they were nice. I hope that's a step forward.
midmorning snack
There is a moment, when you bite into the perfect strawberry, that you realize all the good things in the world can be nestled into the palm of your hand. That they can be tasted - fresh, sweet, delicious. When the world narrows to the little piece of fruit and your mouth and the way the little seeds feel when you bite down.
God, I love strawberries.
June 01, 2004
blackout
My brother and I drove for 40 minutes through horrendous traffic, getting stuck behind trains and nearly every stoplight, so that we could go to our old bank and close out our accounts. We got there, and walked up to the door, and there was a little sign taped to the glass: "Closed due to power outage."
Now, he and I were floored. This is not something that had ever happened to us before, having the bank be closed like that. And we were mildly outraged, but that's the way life is. So we drove back, and stopped at the library (some thirty minutes from our bank) to register him to vote.
Only the power was out there too.
I asked a cop, and he said that a bunch of places were like that, across town, and it wouldn't be fixed until tomorrow.
So weird.