palace of winds

1. Where did you begin 2007?
   At my parents’ house, with my fam and Bryce and Allison. Our family New Year’s tradition has always been to get loads of fun appetizers and stuff ourselves silly, and play games or watch movies, and then my mom falls asleep while we wait for the ball to drop and we try to cook up something silly, like setting off the fire alarm to wake her up.
2. What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
   I’m assuming this is a relationship question, so — single. More importantly, that was in the middle of that horrid cold snap when I didn’t go out to the barn for two weeks because I wanted to keep all of my fingers and toes. So I was pining for ponies.
3. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
   Nope. I did spend a week in San Diego at a work conference, where I did attend many of the educational sessions. And partake of much of the less-educational alcohol.
4. How did you earn your money?
   Sales Assistant-ing at an investment firm.
5. Did you have to go to the hospital?
   Yes, to visit my grandma. And play in the closets with Alex.
6. Did you have any encounters with the police?
   …perhaps.
7. Where did you go on holiday?
   Peru! And the usual visits to San Fran. And that conference in San Diego.
8. What did you purchase that was over $1000?
   A sofa & chair set — gorgeousness. A trip to Peru. A horse. I’m much more frugal than this all makes me sound!
9. Did you know anybody who got married?
   A cousin.
10. Did you know anybody who passed away?
    Distant relatives.
11. Have you run into anybody you went to high school/primary school with?
    Yes, weirdly! A few weekends ago, a guy I was in band with. Oh, and an ex-best-friend (who I hadn’t seen since ninth grade) over the summer.
12. Did you move anywhere?
    Nope.
13. What concerts/shows did you go to?
    Uhhh…
14. Are you registered to vote?
    Yes.
15. Who did you want to win Big Brother?
    Yes.
16. Where do you live now?
    In an apartment in a lovely little 40’s brick building. My living room is the most awesome red, and I have a little turquoise hallway. Thank you guy-who-lived-there-before.
17. Describe your birthday.
    I had to work, but my mom came to take me out for lunch, and brought flowers and a big platter of cookies (my great-grandma’s chocolate chip oatmeal recipe). Did the usual fam thing on the weekend — presents and dinner out. We went to Brenda’s, which was delicious. While we were there the light drizzle turned into a downpour, and we waited in the building’s lobby while my dad pulled the car up to the curb.
18. What’s one thing you thought you’d never do but did in 2007?
    Let it go (for the most part).
19. What has been your favorite moment?
    That? Is an impossible question for what’s been a really huge year.
20. What’s something you learned about yourself?
    I am really committed to this whole horse thing.
21. Any new additions to your family?
    Everett
22. What was your best month?
    September, if I have to pick.
23. What music will you remember 2007 by?
    “Hey There Delilah” - Plain White T’s; “Party Like a Rockstar” - Shop Boyz; “Umbrella” - Rihanna; “Rehab” - Amy Winehouse; “Breathe In Breathe Out” - Mat Kearney; “9 Crimes” - Damien Rice; Mika’s “Life in Cartoon Motion” album.
24. Who has been your best drinking buddy?
    Jo
25. Made new friends?
    Yes.
26. Best new friend?
    Everett (though what an unfair question!)
27. Favorite Night out?
    The night of my Investment Banker. You know, that’s another one for #18. I so should’ve called him. I also really loved the nights out on the boat — snugged up in the little compartment below-deck, still half-dizzy drunk, lulled to sleep by the gentle slap of waves.

From Kathy:

Write fifteen statements
Intended for different people.
Not all to friends.
Never tell which one is to whom.

1. Please stop calling like that. Seriously. Please.
2. You were the first person who ever told me I was beautiful. You probably didn’t mean it, but it’s almost four years later now and I still think of it.
3. I’ve given up. I wonder if you’ll ever notice.
4. I loved the way you looked at me while I laughed.
5. I so owe you.
6. I think I’d forgive you if you asked. But I still wish we’d never met; you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.
7. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
8. Sometimes I picture having you over for afternoon tea. I want to serve you chai and coffee cake.
9. I wish you’d share it with me.
10. If I let myself think about it I’m so scared I can hardly breathe. I wish I could help you see that it could and should change.
11. I can see why she’s jealous.
12. The whole pouting act? Not remotely cute.
13. It hasn’t escaped my notice how unfailingly thoughtful you are. Thank you.
14. It drives me crazy, never knowing when you’re just being polite. So many well-intentioned lies are worse than potentially hurtful truths. There’s no trusting you.
15. I wish you’d invite me.

9 lasts

1. cigarette: In college; a clove while making the trek down to Barnett for my Judaism class. Sweet cinnamon on my mouth and a brief spate of blissful dizzy, and then I spent the rest of class wishing fervently for a toothbrush. I never was a smoker, though; that’s the only pack I ever owned.
2. beverage: I’m having a big old mug of chai right now.
3. kiss: Alex-roo, Wednesday night. His chubby little cheeks demand kissing.
4. hug: Yar. One of my family members, Wednesday. I don’t remember who was last. Mel, I think.
5. movie seen: Serenity! Just last night. :D
6. cd played: Uh. Man. Now that I have YME, I don’t really play cds like that. I’m listening to Kings of Convenience right now, though.
7. song listened to: I…have no idea. I just started listening so I haven’t actually *heard* anything yet.
8. bubble bath: Oi, *bubble* bath? Probably…a month or two ago. I took a bath with epsom salts…earlier this week? Last week? For my back, informing me I’d lifted too heavy the day before.
9. time you cried: Uh. I dunno. It’s been a while. TAKE THAT, birth control!

8 have you evers

1. dated one of your best friends: Nope.
2. skinny dipped: Alas not.
3. kissed somebody and regretted it: Eh, not really.
4. fallen in love: Nope.
5. lost someone you loved: Yes.
6. been depressed: Yep.
7. been drunk and threw up: Nope.
8. ran away: Not like ran-away-from-home in the kid sense. There was the time Steph and I hid from a certain someone in her room… Does that count?

7 states you’ve been to

California (and, incidentally, one week countdown to SF, woo!), Louisiana, North Dakota, Massachusetts, Alabama, Tennessee, Iowa

6 things you’ve done today

I should’ve waited and filled this out later in the day…

1. Dreamt of getting ready to go to Ikea with my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and Jocey. Jocey wanted a white couch she’d seen there, and a few other things I can’t remember. Somewhere we’d gotten a red pickup truck for hauling all the purchases.
2. Eaten berry waffles with slices of banana and a drizzle of maple syrup.
3. Made lunch: a big spinach salad with carrots, cucumber, and red peppers, and more carrots for dipping in a bit of leftover hummus.
4. Gotten a call from my third boss-sort-of-person that he won’t be in today either. All Rachel all day, woo. S’gonna be a quiet one.
5. Finished Arthur & George — good stuff.
6. Finally ordered those Veronica Mars t-shirts from TWOP/Glarkware. Such good timing for the offer, t-shirt people!

5 favorite things in no order

• Fresh cherries
• Epic emails
• Sunshine
• Horses, oh sweet god I miss them
• Great hugs

4 people you last talked to

1. ‘Earwax’
2. Jo!
3. Some woman in the restroom
4. People at the movie…

3 wishes

1. Career epiphany
2. Tinyhouse
3. A pony

2 things you want to be when you grow up

1. An adventuress
2. Financially stable (not…that I’m not now — but it counts, right? I want to remain so)

1 thing you regret

1. Not going to London.

This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

I was given F! And like Sarah, rather than having trouble coming up with ten things I had trouble limiting it to ten. So I just went with the first that popped into my head.

1. Fairytales - I’ve always liked fairytales, fables, myths. There is a section in my book-shelving system just for books of and about fairytales. Often when I am struck with the odd impulse to write I turn to the classic stories and wait for the characters to whisper their secret other lives to me. And of course there is our fairytale, Sarah’s and mine, which I hardly ever talk about except with her because I have this weird fear that speaking it aloud will jinx it or scare it away (though I suppose after all this time and it only being more firmly lodged in my head there’s no fear of that; still, I have a deep superstitious aversion to talking about anything I’m thinking of writing).
2. Fragrance - I love the smells of things. Not typical perfume; people who bathe in too much of that make me cringe (and usually flee). But I love natural smells — dirt and rainstorms and green growing things. I’m as liable to stick my nose in a hedge as a flowerbush. Horses, god. God. A barn and that broad warm neck. I love the smell of books; I can’t pick one up, new or old, without opening it to smell down near the spine. Wood. Paint. Sweet clean skin. BPAL. Ripe fruit. On second thought, I’ll stop there; I could go on forever, especially if I let myself stray into food. Or clean laundry. Or — yeah.
3. Fall - Autumn is one of my first thoughts whenever I entertain the notion of moving. I would miss fall. Trees gone a riot of red-orange-yellow, flaming briefly brilliant. Everything crisp, the air sharp and cool, brisk about the business of putting all to sleep for another season. The smell of clean decay. Nightfires. Just needing jeans and thick sweaters, a hat or scarf. Kicking through heaps of dry leaves. The world feeling dark and secret, nights crackling magic. The sun over the end of wide Ferndale with its bordering of trees so orange-leaved they seem alight from within — the breathless beauty of it for those brief weeks. Hot cider and the best of the apple harvest.
4. The Firm - The Firm is a system combining aerobics and strength training; I have the Transfirmer, a set of two steps that can be variously stacked and inclined to kick my ass, and a handful of dvds (which also kick my ass, but are most useful when played rather than stacked or inclined). It’s been over a year now since I started working out with the Firm, and I love it. I love the post-workout euphoria. The healthy exhaustion; that heavy well-worked feeling. I love feeling strong and accomplished. I’m proud. I almost never let myself say it, but damned if I haven’t put in my time and earned this.
5. Firefly - When Firefly first aired I didn’t watch it; I had enough on my plate, and I was bitter at Joss and his little punk ass for abandoning Buffy after making me love it so damned much. And then I got a subscription to Blockbuster online and remembered how much Jeremy had always said the show rocked and thought heck, might as well give it a shot. (Yes, I thought ‘heck’. I’m Minnesotan, shut up. [And you know, one of the best compliments I’ve gotten in a while was someone asking if I’m a Quaker. Totally flattered.]) Anyway. Instalove, of course. I imagine Joss like King Midas, everything turning to gold in his wake. Only we’re the ones left bereft and starving when he frolics on to some other project. (Or when UPN gets its head lodged up — okay, okay, letting it go.) The show and movie are both wonderful; the characters beautifully imagined and executed, and the story growing up around the interaction of characters rather than the other way around, which is how Joss always does it and how I like it best.
6. Foxes - I love the keen faces of foxes. Their slim sly feet. (In fact, when my sister and I were girls we collected these tiny rubber animals, about fingernail-sized. There was this little shop we’d go into that had a big bin of them, and it was a particular treat for us to go in and pick one out. In retrospect it was very smart on my mom’s part to make it an occasional treat because the process was very elaborate [and so very long] — we had to go meticulously through the entire bin before we could make a choice, and we of course couldn’t ever have the same animal, and we had to make sure the new selection would fit in properly with the existing herd. When we played with them at home they most typically would be going on long perilous journies through the house, which involved them being strung out in a very long line which was then shifted carefully through imagined snowstorms and across raging rivers and over the enormous mountains of furniture. The two lone fish usually got left at home, because they couldn’t very well trek cross-country with the rest. Um. All of which is beside the point — the point being the leader of my herd of rubber animals [and my secret favorite; one could never admit to favorites aloud in case the rest got jealous] was a little fox named Sly.) Of late my dream dog is a small-medium size with fox ears and that sharp-looking face.
7. Fantasies - I love wild impossibilities. Daydreams. Ideas that are so huge or silly or sudden there’s no pressure to take them seriously, to plan, no taint of practicality. There’s a wonderful freedom to them. I’m often very serious about things, too serious sometimes I think, too intent, an over-planner, so I especially like the times I can set that all aside. When things can be vague and futureless.
8. Fennel seeds - Oh so wonderful, both the fragrance and taste. Whole or ground. Delicious also eaten straight out of hand.
9. Forms - I work with them so much and yeah, sometimes they get tedious, but some of my favorite times at work are being in a groove with them. I get a lot of satisfaction out of all sorts of organization, and a form that’s well-designed and filled out precisely is delightful. I love the few clients who take the time to fill them out correctly, and I love the clients who know themselves better than to try. (I love much less the clients who fill them out incorrectly because they can’t be arsed to read the barest of instructions; salvages are messy.) If I’m feeling a little frazzled or crabby I love being left alone with some forms to finish filling out; the monotony and preciseness is soothing. I like knowing someone down the line will be able to process them quickly and efficiently.
10. Florence - There are some parts of my first trip to Italy that I don’t like remembering; I have regrets, and so when I think of Florence it is first with a pang of guilt that I didn’t enjoy it more fully. But overall we had a wonderful time, and after a moment the good things come. The view over the sea of red roofs. Little cafes. Street merchants rolling up their wares and scattering in an instant as a lookout dashes through warning of police. The smooth creamy cool taste of gelatto on a heavy hot afternoon. Cats drowsing on every buildingtop.

Things I did as intended (more or less):

• scrubbed bathtub (I got an early start, actually: Friday evening, whereupon I discovered that Wednesday’s little push-up exercise [which involved kneeling across from your partner, chucking a medicine ball at them and at the end of the throw motion falling forward into a push-up, from which you spring back to catch the ball as it’s being chucked at you in turn] had well and truly murdered my chest/shoulder area; I scrubbed till I was nigh on tears from the ache and called it not good enough but stopped anyhow)
• scrubbed toilet
• scrubbed bathroom sink
• put away all books (or, nearly; there is a small, *small* stack still on the floor, but they are the ones destined for sale, so don’t belong on the shelf; and there is a poor lost stack on top of the bookshelf which still requires arranging, but my bookends aren’t heavy enough to hold them up and so I’m currently at a loss, and anyway they’re not on the floor so it counts)
• put away all action figures! (I actually did this one! All of it! Well, except the Sideshow figures which are lying down instead of in neat poses, but dude — the boxes are packed *and* stored away [er, I’d already had the shelf arranged — not that I’ve put them all away or anything, just the ones I don’t have out right now; no more random floor-scattered limbo-life for the tiny Buffy stars])
• and cleaned up the desk, which I give myself 85% credit for; it’s night and day but I have to admit that it’s not finished, and there are still a woeful number of ‘things which must be sorted’ because I haven’t yet figured out just exactly what I want to do with/about them.
• washed dishes & did not create *too* many more
• exercised (Friday - yoga; Saturday - UCB [and oh the sweating])

Things I did not do that I should have:

• scrub kitchen sink
• wet-jet floors
• dust
• take boxes down to storage locker
• exercise (Sunday)
• Sunday dishes

Things I did that I should not have:

• phone call - 45 minutes with Mel, which lead to:
• shopping (Sunday morning and half the afternoon), and
• eating out (Big Bowl, where I discovered that my very favorite thing is made with fish sauce and so I can no longer have it, and my second-favorite thing made without fish sauce tastes deeply, deeply disappointing, to such a point that I kind of have no desire to ever go there again, which is sort of a surprise since this was among my top-five favorite restaurants prior to yesterday, woe)
• untimed breaks (though, really, I give myself a pass on this one because I worked *all day* on Saturday — I ’slept in’ until 6:45 and then I was up, and though I was fairly puttery and did take lunch and snack breaks I worked for about twelve hours before calling it enough)

And then there is the issue of reading, which doesn’t belong in any of the above categories, because it’s not something I should have done, and while it did slow me down some it wasn’t the forbidden sort of reading and kept me from going insane, I think, on Saturday. I listened to the entire audiobook of Ursula LeGuin’s Gifts, and I’m a good way into Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, which I unexpectedly adore. (I didn’t think I’d hate it but I sort of expected it to be a bit laborious, some work, something I did for the enrichment of it, literary merit, etc yawn, and Steph so strenuously hated it, but so far, for me? Love, love, love. Oh Tolstoy, oh precise poetic soul. And thank you translator, whose name I did not pay a whit of attention to, and sorry for that; and thank you narrator for your pleasant British accent and your lovely subtle voices.)

I have this strange sort of habit of eating very well for a while, five to ten days I’d say, and then going on a bit of — well, I’m going to call it a binge even though it’s a creature that is so entirely unlike even my normal habits of eating a few years ago. But for me, now, an extra five crackers with cheese can be a binge. It feels like one — dizzy and ill-advised and afterwards physically and mentally uncomfortable. I’m sort of terrified that my body is revolting against refined-carb-centered meals; I didn’t feel entirely satisfied after Friday evening’s pizza, even though it was my own whole wheat crust. There just wasn’t enough else, I guess, though I was absolutely stuffed. And then Saturday morning was the cold cereal, and me out of fruit again, and from there it was just a mess of grazing, all popcorn and frozen yogurt and bits of chocolate, and then Sunday Big Bowl and I just feel sort of exhausted with this deep knot of craving for whole veggies and oh, oh, fruit, and sincerely damn this town for being yuppieville and having only an expensive grocery store, because I need a banana like I used to need a frozen pizza or easy mac or a McFlurry. And lately I’ve really been trying to listen to my body but I find it hard to believe that it’s really kind of whacked out over some white rice and frozen yogurt (or maybe it’s just the Big Bowl sodium overload?), so I sort of suspect my head, or hormones, or god knows what.

Except I’ve noticed that every time I’ve eaten out in the past month, I just don’t feel as good in the ensuing hours, into the next day. And I mean, I like going out, I like being able to sometimes eat food that I haven’t had to make, I like the social aspect, but every place I’ve been lately — Applebee’s, El Azteca, Santorini, Big Bowl — has been a disappointment, even taking into account my low expectations for the first two. To a one I’ve left wishing I’d just cooked something at home. Which honestly? Really kind of sucks. My family already thinks I’m kind of loony tunes. (And my mom is, apparently, afraid I’m not coming to Easter now because I’m a vegetarian. Which is just too huge and ridiculous to deal with in any manner that isn’t sighing and moving on.)

In other news, ABC has my undying Sunday-night love. The feeling that Grey’s Anatomy gives me is sick and sad and shameful because it is huge and glowing and it’s like that moment in the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast when the prince is transformed because this feeling is so huge and bright that it’s rays of sunshine out of my f’ing fingers and toes and I’m floating three feet off the floor — only in my conception no one has to recoil in horror because there’s not that whole revelation of a prince who really looked better as a beast, no sudden scary eyes and weird girly lips. My love for this show is unhealthy. There is gasping. There is chair-dancing. Self-hugging. Weeping, laughing. If I could only have one hour of television every week for the rest of my life there is no question. God help me, I like this show better than Crocodile Hunter. I’m uncomfortable being tied to any television schedule (and was sort of pleasantly surprised to find that though I forgot about Survivor on Tuesday I’ve been too lazy to look up a recap — though that’s probably partly because they lost me with that stupid clip show [I freaking hate that episode] and then their few-week hiatus), but whatever. Grey’s is love.